In my constant effort to answer the question: who am I? I have thought long and hard about aspects in my life that seem complicated and obscure; I've really tried to get to the center of just what makes me different than everyone else, how it is that my thoughts translate into actions, and so on and so forth. For the readers, maybe you've already discovered yourselves or are still in the process... I am about twenty years into my research and I can be the most confusing and dynamic thing to try and get a firm grasp on, I can only imagine other people's difficulties in trying to figure me out.
Something that has perplexed me for too long is how insecurities play into decision making and action taking. They lie in the back of your mind and can pop out at only the worst possible places. It's amazing too how insecurities are more like a flash instantly and they come and go so fast you may not know exactly what it is that you're insecure about but it's just weighing you down, not allowing you to do something you may otherwise want to do. And maybe I'm blabbering on about this and it seems like a 'woe is me' concept, but it's not, and if you are thinking that stop reading; I'm only doing this to assess the situation going on in my head.
1.
Talking about feelings for me is hard. It takes a ballpoint pen and a blank piece of paper for me to get my words just right. Possibly because I don't want to take ownership over the words I speak, like I'd be putting myself on that preverbal plank that extends over Rejection Ocean, and I'm scared of closing my eyes and taking that step out into the unknown, for fear of falling and failing; I'm at least not afraid to admit that. I mean, I don't reject myself because I'm the only one who is forced to live with me 24/7. I'm my own best friend.
Honestly, that's all I got to say right now on the subject of insecurities. I have them. They're bothersome. It doesn't make me weak for admitting that, it just shows I'm strong enough to face them. There may be only one I go over in this blog (who knows I may write more in the future about them) but it's not easy to admit to them in a public arena like this.
PS- Why can't people talk more openly about insecurities? Are they insecure about them?
I fear rejection all time, so dont feel alone. I think I might also fear time, the concept of time, the concept of pain, the idea of going under and never coming back up. The thought of actually finishing college has never really made it into my head, of course I have the grades and ability to do so, and do it well, but its strange...
JD&G