Gravity had Molly's feet firmly planted on the ground but if it wasn't for that her head would be in the clouds singing "Hey Jude," or any other tune that could elicit that emotional spark she needed. She was searching her heart for the words to write out something explaining that feeling of being left out she was having.
Was the music just soothing or was it listened to in order to block out the laughter heard just a few doors down from Molly? Only she would know for sure, bobbing her head to the beats beating in her headphones. Being only a Freshman the dorms, other beauties, adorned in fabulous jewelry that any ADD male adolescent would be attracted to, hiked the hall like it was their own catwalk past her door; just the thing Molly wanted a reminding of, a Friday night on the inside. Staying in became the norm and her computer became her best friend, which connected her to thousands of other people just like her, looking for a good time.
Sleeping wasn't high on Molly's priority list but she would make it a point to hit the sheets soon, growing tired, as her body was being consumed in rhythmic music, which made her move in a way she would have been embarrassed to show off to anyone else but her compadre Mr. iMac.
Being busy and the inevitable loneliness that came from having a tight schedule plagued Molly. She was always going, going, until she would eventually come home to her sanctuary. There, her thoughts awaited her. Everything she tried to ignore that day would creep up her spine and into her ear where they would infect every inch of Molly's conscience. The guy she couldn't say "Hi" to. The test she received a D on. That time when she slid on the cafeteria tile that made her look uncoordinated. There in the dorm would be where her own thoughts haunted her.
She was a little self-loathing, too much of a thinker, but not necessarily anti-social. It was just now that it bothered her. Molly was home, but not home; it never really felt like home. There were never the same type of friends that would come over on summer days eager for some sort of something to do, it was different how people approached her here, like it wasn't just her that was uncomfortable in their own skin. Her inner-pessimist quipped, "Is this what it's like to be grown up? If so, it's not worth it."
Falling into bed and shutting her eyes Molly dreamed of a better tomorrow, another day to get bogged down with work, work, and no play. With that, she started humming those lyrics that made her feel okay, and the laughter in the background faded away to, "Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song, and make it better."
Today's lesson was fairly simple: be yourself. (yeah, you)
You don't need to act like anyone else to impress someone and you definitely don't have to censor yourself for the thing you may find the most embarrassing about yourself; it may even be the most valued quality to another person. (Blessid Union of Souls- Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me))
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tU5c7zhOmY0
Who cares about your past? Live in the moment, things may not turn out the way you wanted- now or at any point in the future. (I had a lot of fun, regardless of if we find ourselves hanging out again)
A lot of stuff you can't control outside your own parameters, so why dwell on it? Try not to let things get to you, enjoy where you are and what you are doing. (I paid because I wanted to; it wasn't because I expected something in return)
Be honest; don't hide behind a facade that you weave as you go, you will only get burned as things come out. (I hope you see how un-"normal" I am, even though I claim to be; I pride myself on not being the stereotype of a guy/asshole)
Respect yourself, you're the only one you have to live with everyday of your life. (I gave you my number because I didn't want you to feel pressured into going, so often girls say yes because they don't want to say no)
There's still time to say "no." (I won't be offended, I'm not everyone's type)
Be yourself. (Everything happens for a reason)
And that's (the word).
BILLY JOEL- YOU MAY BE RIGHT excerpt
I told you dirty jokes until you smiled
You were lonely for a man
I said take me as I am
'Cause you might enjoy some madness for a while
Now think of all the years you tried to
Find someone to satisfy you
I might be as crazy as you say
If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want me any other way"
Oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again; oh here it goes again. I should have known, should have known, should have known again, but here it goes again; oh here it goes again.
I've been listening to a lot of Kid Cudi lately, thanks to BE from the play, because I've been feeling rather introspective, and he also gave me the CD.
FA interview tomorrow.
What up on-campus job?
In what ways does life give you second chances? More importantly, what do you do with the second chances when they circle themseves around?
I'm the classic case of doing something the same way each time, which qualifies me as downright stupid, as a testament to Mr. Dwyer's quote cupboard that I saw every day for four years straight in high school. What's it going to take, you know, for me to get out of my own head, say I'm going to do something, and then do it?
I'm so mad at myself; the bad part is that I make myself feel that way. Second chances don't come around often and it's important to take advantage of them when they come up, but even as I write those words, I feel hypocritical because it doesn't translate onto the social scene.
I should have just gotten up from my chair, walked over to where you were sitting, and just asked you on a date. I should have done it. I should have, would have, could have, but I didn't. Now, I'm sitting on a computer in the PC lab typing this with a piece of paper in my jacket pocket with my phone number written on it because I couldn't stick my neck out long enough to show that I wasn't a coward. When did I start being this way?
In elementary school, I was very social, I had a load of friends and I was vocal and could express myself. In middle school I became complacent, why? Was it me looking in the mirror and thinking I wasn't good enough? Was it everyone else around me who seemed to be doing so well while, at the same time, on the inside I was falling behind? I always thought that I was more mature than most of the kids in middle school but now I just feel way too immature for college, not in a partying or fart-joke kind of way, maybe like an immaturity in knowing my own abilities?
Does life grant third chances (which doesn't even sound right)? Will/Can I learn my lesson? Stay tuned for more heart stopping, brain teasing, heart aching action on Eric Ruelle's blog!
On a side note...I have no idea what I'm doing this summer...backpacking around Europe has become the new number one choice.
We had ups and downs but moved with a sense of urgency during our run of the play this weekend.
To those involved in the writing, directing, and acting of the play it has been one great journey, we tackled some tough stuff on our way to producing the first play ever by students in that space; we are pioneers.
For those that sat in the audience and experienced it, your presence was felt and the cast thanks you for being apart of this project, we love to love you.
This experience won't leave my head for a while, getting back up on stage was an amazing feeling, and getting the feedback from the audience members proves, I still got it.
So, I will toast this play for it gave me more than I could have asked for. I would do it again in a heartbeat and from what I hear, I won't have to wait too long for that to happen.
Some people took the slips of paper on my poster. It makes me smile. If you're looking at this now after taking one, I applaud you for making that effort to check into me more, doing research is good!
For those seeking to learn more about me or the play (and yes, we did write all of our own pieces) don't hesitate to ask or email me; I wasn't kidding when I wrote that you and me should meet.
If you've encountered me in the past few weeks you may be wondering, Eric, why the long face?
I will tell you.
I am in a show right now that sucks every emotion out of me. I play roughly five different people that use every type of emotion I can possibly muster to perform and express.
When I am done with the show, I have nothing left in the tank; I have no emotions left to give.
I just don't care about anything and I couldn't care if I wanted to.
I am surprised I can still recoup enough to perform the next day at a quality level. I guess I can't say that, tomorrow will be the first day we've done the show in front of people for two days straight, so, who knows what kind of performance I'll offer up tomorrow.
I am not a huge extrovert so it's hard for me to get myself to express that much in such a short time. See the show and you'll know what I'm talking about, about the level of emotion I go through.
You ask me, why the long face?
I have been in a very apologetic mood lately, and most of me wants to say "I'm sorry," but I'm not going to do that this time.
To those that mistake my emotionless demeanor as an insult, which is a few of you so far, I can't help that. It is what it is. Maybe later I'll care, but for now, you're not speaking to Eric, but a stoic body that can't evoke emotion. Hope you can understand. See you Sunday when the play's over.
I encountered these people all on the way to the cafeteria to get my lunch before going to work.
To the girl in front of me on the escalator with the white coat and brown curly hair. Move your ass to one side so I can walk past you, I can't tell you how impatient I get when I'm trying to get somewhere faster and my progress is stopped dead when you just stand there in the middle of the escalator.
To the guy on the elevator with the orange Caesar haircut...you are not cool. I do not know you but you rub me the wrong way. Maybe it was the way you talked or the way you sprawled yourself out in the elevator with me in the back right corner that revealed your personality.
To the girl in the cafeteria with the tight pants and wavy blond hair who got soup...thank you. I hope you get told regularly about how beautiful you look.
I'm always looking. I'm always thinking. Concentrating. Searching.
On the note about tight pants girl, it reminds me of the new movie coming out called "She's Out of My League." I hate that I'm going to end up seeing that movie. I don't want to believe in a story that has an average Joe falling on the chance of meeting a model that actually chases him. It just doesn't happen...at least to me.
UPDATE:
To the girl sitting on the Southbound red line train, close your mouth when you eat. You disgust me.
UPDATE UPDATE:
To the girl who sat next to me on the way back from work with electric blue eyes, I almost wish we had sat across from each other so I could have stared into them longer. I hope you liked my music selection, I tipped my iPod so you could see what I was listening to. I know we passed Zappa, Sinatra, Zeppelin, and Motion City just so I could find the right song that could get my message across, "This Magic Moment," by Jay and the Americans. Love it.
To the girl who I mouthed "fucking bitch" to in the Student Center, it wasn't you I was saying it to, it was the ice machine that didn't have any ice (and as you all know I love my ice); you just unfortunately turned to look at me at the same time I had turned away from the ice machine, and we made just enough eye contact for me to get that entire phrase out. I apologize.
It's amazing what you encounter on a regular basis.
My horoscope didn't spur any ideas to write about. I have an hour before I officially need to start waking up. Maybe I should stop setting my alarm for 8:00 everyday when I don't have a class until 11:50 Mon-Thurs, I only did that to keep up with the massive amount of work that was being shoveled at me. Now, everything's sort of leveled off. I still have my assignments, but I have enough time during the normal day to get everything done it seems.
Sleep is essential to my life, to all lives, but mine especially. I cherish each moment my head is against the pillow because I'm safe, comfortable, and relaxed within the sheets' embrace.
I need more sleep and I need to be writing more on this blog than I have been.
(S)He Loves Me/(S)He Loves Me Not
Friday and Saturday @ 7:30
DePaul's CDM Theater LL102
14East Jackson, enter the building on State St and walk down the steps
Reserve your tickets with me if you haven't done so
It's an amazing cast written show.
Posted by Eric Ruelle | Posted on Sunday, February 14, 2010
Posted in 2010 , crazy week , RA , winter
It seems that the more time I have to myself the less time I spend blogging. This weekend has been the least busy of the quarter and I'm pretty happy about that. I finally got to spend time with my friends that I haven't seen since I left for Winter Break.
Alas, everything that has a beginning must have an end. After I'm done here I think the biggest week of my entire academic year begins. So much to do; it's ridiculous.
My parents are coming to my play next weekend. I'm excited for them to see what I've been working on. It's Friday and Saturday @ 7:30 at the DePaul CDM building downtown. IT'S FREE
Ahh, I guess it's time I begin this crazy week of mine. Do I really have to?
Though it may seem like I have a while before this quarter ends, the truth is that it's crashing down on me like a breaking wave. I see the end of the road but it doesn't mean I'm anywhere closer to where I want to be.
Five weeks left including finals, if I don't count the rest of this week.
That's four more actual classes of History of Britain
Five days where I actually have to travel down to 69th at the corner of Normal and Stewart
& ten classes of English, Multiculturalism, and History of Broadcasting left.
The play that I'm in ends next Saturday. A load off my back but I will be sad that it's over sorta; I love being onstage so much.
Major projects still loom for each of my classes and the start of March will be a tough stretch toward relaxation and friendship re-building.
I rode the Brown line downtown yesterday because of the CTA cuts resulting in long breaks between when a red line shows up, and I don't like standing in one place for too long, so while I was riding in the scenic but slow brown line, I was able to take in my surroundings again. The Hancock and Sears(Willis) looked taller than ever because I've been too busy to appreciate them; it was nice to finally do it again for a moment, but then I was back on State Street and the flow of my day caught up with me. I'm not sure when I'll be able to experience the city like that again. I'll pencil it in for Day 1 of Spring Break.
I'm truly lucky to be living in Chicago and doing all the thing's that I'm doing. To think, I had started payments to CMU before deciding to go to DePaul. What an entirely different life I would have. hahaha, I'll take this life over that one any day.
Feel a lot better, 45 min before I go and do the play by play for the Women's Basketball Game at 7 on radio DePaul. Good for me to write a blog in that amount of time.
I ran up against "The Cat's Cradle" paradox today. You know, the one that Harry Chapin sung about?
My dad texted me earlier today, like before I woke up. So when I finally saw that he had left me a message I was on my way out the door to go downtown to rehearse before everyone could show up.
Practice is practice, I don't like to text during practice because I need to be focused. I had it until 4 today, so I couldn't really give much time away until after.
It's not like he was too busy for me in the past but now I'm just too busy to talk to my parents.
My life includes dead zones. I don't get cell phone service in the subway or student center, I try not to text or call during practice, and at a certain point I can't call my family because they are an hour ahead of me and they could be sleeping. Other than that I have homework and other responsibilities. Gah, life.
"But it's sure nice talking to you Dad,
It's been sure nice talking to you"
At this second I'm listening to "The Man in Me" by Bob Dylan, consider it mood music.
I get off the Berwyn stop and show up early to 5153 North Ashland Ave. This isn't coincidence.
Every time I go to the Neo-Futurists, I learn something new. I don't have to pay the 275$ for a class, but I am learning a little by seeing the performances.
Megan, Tim, John, Phil, Eliza, Jessica, and Ryan were in the cast tonight.
I walk up the stairs with John and I shake his hand to introduce myself again, even though I probably have three or four times already.
I help Ryan clean out the refrigerator.
I have a conversation with Phil about his IMDB page.
I laugh with Jessica about eating habits; pickle juice vs sugar.
I make small talk with Eliza.
At the beginning of the night I introduce myself to Tim and I say that it's great that we're on a first name basis, and he said maybe soon we'll be on a first and last name basis. I tell him my last name figuring it wasn't important and he wouldn't remember it, but at the very end of the show, even though he had all his lines to worry about, he said thanks to all the volunteers including, "Eric Ruelle." It was a simple gesture that just shows how much character he has.
And finally, I wish Megan good luck during her time off the stage from 'Too Much Light.'
It was a great night
How many times do you think you've been referred to in someone else's poems/diary/journal? You could be immortalized somewhere without knowing it.
I've written hundreds of poems and entries over my lifetime. Spanned years of notebooks, filed in my cupboard across from my bed back home and the ones piled against my wall in my dorm room.
I had never thought about being referred to as an abstract "he" or "his," or "you." Have you?
I don't want to tell you what I am going to do next because life seems like such a competition and I'm not even out of college yet, so why would I give you my entire gameplan; get your own material and leave me alone. I will make it.
I want to tell you, how I feel about you, the good and the bad, all of you, the good and the bad, to your face, but I can't, because, I don't know why; maybe because of my conscience?
I don't want to go to class today because I know I didn't read the assignment closely enough.
I want to know how it was possible for me to get to this point in my education with a 3.5 GPA.
I don't want to start more projects; I want them all to be finished.
I want/need Spring Break.
I don't want to go home during break.
I want to be a part of something bigger than just me: Invisible Children, Neo-Futurists, Second City.
I don't want to feel like I'm wasting time.
I want to be writing, constantly.
I don't want a life where I fall into obscurity.
I want to live like nothing is holding me back.
“You are more in touch with the world of tech today, so see if you can get your old computer working again -- or look for a good deal on a new one. You should be able to come out ahead.”
-My horoscope for the day
Lazy days are good. Lazy but relatively productive days are even better. I ended up having the latter yesterday. Worked on my Performance class paper due Thursday and reviewed for my History of Broadcasting exam tomorrow while working on and off for ‘Imagine Englewood if.’ (I also watched ROCKY III)
For those that don’t know, I have a job on the South Side of Chicago off of 69th and travel down there once or twice a week depending on my schedule. I am an intern and do whatever they need me to do, most of the time it’s typing up databases, organizing events, and teaching workshops on anything from improvisational comedy to radio. It’s an alright job but it takes me an hour to get from home in Lincoln Park all the way to 69th. It is no fun at all.
Tonight I have to work, but I’m going to try and get out early so I can see the Neo-futurists perform at my school. I know it’s a stretch to leave work just for that reason, but if being a Neo is something I really want to do in the future, or be a performer in general, it’d be nice to be able to talk with them about what it’s like; the ones that I have talked to are all really nice and down to Earth people. I look up to them, they’re so cool!
I’m applying to travel to France to teach English even though my French is terrible, go figure. The only thing is it is a lot of work to get all the materials together and then pay for the plane ticket and other fees. At least room and board is included and you only have to work 15 hours a week. It would really allow me to concentrate on my writing without anyone who speaks the language around to talk to; it’d be my own little artist’s colony. I think I will end up doing it; I just have to try and find the time to pool everything together.
Today I have a practice interview with my advisor in the Career Center. The Career Center is amazing like that.
Other than that it’s History of Broadcasting and then work (maybe the Neo’s?). We’ll see. Then homework of the stuff I didn’t finish last night. I actually went to bed around 11! My gosh!
As far as my horoscope, my old computer is back in PoHo and I don’t think I’ll be able to get that going, though it does have some CCR music I’ve been wanting to get for a while (love me some CCR). The only other thing I can think of when looking at the horoscope is an iPad, which I’ve decided completely against, it wasn’t like I was going to buy one anyway, but for sure now there’s not a chance of me getting it. Also, if I have to go out looking for a good price on a computer, something is dreadfully wrong. My laptop better not kick the bucket or I’m blaming astrology.com
If you’re wondering why I use my horoscope as a focus, it’s because I like to compare it to my everyday life. My 2010 prediction is strangely accurate so far. I love that Nostradamus effect.
For further reading on Eric Ruelle’s future, please see:http://www.astrology.com/2010-yearly-horoscope/2-d-hy-2010_leo?play_horoscope=1
And I will play along by telling you about how most of that stuff actually matches up to what I have planned this year. 2010 has been kicking 2009’s ass so far.
Eventually I plan to branch out and have this be more musings, poems, and stories rather than actual events but for now this seems to be working well enough. If you are reading this now, comment this blog. If you want, let me know what you want me to talk about, and I will. Follow me too! I always feel awkward following people I don’t necessarily know so if more people do it then it will make me feel better about doing it hahaha.
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"Today is all about communication -- including subtle gestures and body language. Your ability to reach people across all channels is heightened, so you may want to make a game out of it."
-My horoscope for the day
Yesterday was alright. Lobby Hours was actually kind of fun because I took down all the decorations from Homecoming, except the slot machine and the married couple, because I thought it'd be nice to keep them for a little bit longer, unless someone else takes it down, which is completely fine.
Broadcasting class was okay, I was starving by the end of it.
During class I had gotten a text that said the CFH RA position I've been hoping to get had sent out emails about whether or not they were going to give individual interviews to the person. I worked really hard on the essays and stuff but they decided not to pursue my application any further. I'm not sure what kind of person they were searching for because I heard the same thing from really qualified applicants that they had not been given a chance to interview. Maybe older candidates? Oh well, I guess it's up to the group interviews. Another brick wall to try and bust through.
I didn't do as well as I thought I would on my British History exam, and I didn't think I would do very well. Man, that was just a terrible week for a test. At least the professor thought I can still get a B in the class if I work really hard, which I plan to do. That test was embarrassing.
My horoscope today centered on communication: communication is key. I had already planned as using today to be the day where I would come clean with somebody close, it won't be easy and it won't be expected, but for my sake I have to do it.
The "ability to reach people across all channels," does have some merit to it. This morning before I read my horoscope I volunteered to help a friend I haven't seen in a while take pictures for his portfolio. I'm reaching out to different people with different skill sets but I don't think it's wise to "make a game out of it;" I want to be as in control as possible. But, maybe if "game" refers to the ability it takes to work everything I plan to do into my schedule then it most certainly is a game.
Yesterday I talked about the idea of "everything happens for a reason." I want to clarify for everyone a little more on what I believe.
I do not believe in fate. I believe in destiny. Fate means that every occurrence is predetermined and destiny means there's some wiggle room, but an overall life goal that may or may not be defined. Fate means you don't have to work to get what you want. Destinies sometimes aren't reached. Fate gives you rules to live by while destiny gives you an outline; you know what you want? Then go get it. Destiny will help you, give you aid in the form of a friend who suggests something to do, a stranger saying something on the phone walking by that might spark an idea, or even the weather, enabling you to avoid the harsh winter day by staying inside and just writing. Fate is final. Destiny is pure.
So as an update, I'm still not an RA, I didn't do well on my exam, but I'm staying positive.
Performing Culture was canceled today (YES), but I still have homework, so that will occupy that space, then lunch, English class, and that's pretty much it. A pretty open day after 5, unless something comes up, or I choose to start on my big assignments that are due next month, which is probably a really good choice.
"You need to look inward a bit today -- things aren't working out as well socially, but that's just because you're getting paged from deep within. Meditate or just ponder what's up for the day."
-My horoscope for the day
This weekend was Homecoming. The band was bad, the dance floor was small, and the drinks were watered down, but those weren't deterrents from having a good time. I cut a rug and boogie-woogied until midnight when the place went dead and left ringing in my ears. Homecoming is a time honored tradition of getting together with the people you know, though most you don't, and judge the civility of women's dresses; some just shouldn't be allowed in public. I had fun though, I suppose. It was hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I was going to Homecoming in the first place, but it was alright in the end...after everything from that night was said and done.
"Things aren't working out as well socially," this I know. Because of my other commitments I have barely had anytime to hang out with friends, I do have a full plate at the moment. If I get the position I'm hoping for on-campus I can cut a lot of stuff and refocus on what's really important to me like the play I'm in, working out at the gym more, and studying for classes, which has somewhat been lost in all the crossfire sent along by life.
Last night I went and saw the Neo-Futurists and had a blast! It's so hilarious and I hope I can do it more often. I met a lot of cool people, including some from the cast, and got accredited for volunteering with them during their bows, it was a nice gesture. One thing that I took away from last night's performance, aside from the fact that I want to be a member of the cast some day, is that people come along that are meant to provide substance for life. I'm a big believer in "everything happens for a reason" and it was really special to meet someone like that last night; I won't say who, for privacy reasons but it brings me to my next point that...
I'm guessing that there's a lot more Facebook creepers out there than I thought; that was why it was created in the first place, so people could constantly be checking and seeing how your life is, even though you haven't seen them for years; I can dig that. Maybe one of the Neo-Futurists I met last night is Facebook creeping/Blogspot stalking me, which I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to, it's nice to be appreciated, in a sense, by people you look up to. What I'm trying to say is confusing, and I lack the skill to explain it in ways that make sense and doesn't cross a line where I'm being too forward. Anyways, yeah, Neo-Futurists, it was a blast, hope to do it again soon, it's amazing, for lack of a better word(s).
By the way, thanks Chris for coming along, glad you had a good time too. Free stuff is awesome!
Well, to wrap up a morning that was about reflection and purging emotions, I feel ready to start the day (funny how I have to do all that before I begin my day).
Homework, RHC Lobby Hours from 10-11, History of Broadcasting, Lunch, Homework, DePaul Radio Sports Update @ 5 (radio.depaul.edu), then History of Britain, IRHA meeting, and finally more Homework! Sleep early? Not likely, but I like how 11:30-12 is considered "early" in my life.
IT'S A NEW ERA FOR ERIC RUELLE BLOGGING- STAY TUNED
