I can't sleep, and like it was a while ago, you're the cause; a pleasant reminder of what we had, albeit an inconvenient time to be awake at 2 in the morning thinking about it, due to finals week. It's possible that the growing anticipation of meeting up again is cause for remembrance but I feel in order to sleep soundly tonight I must be honest about how I am feeling.

Guilt, I think they call it.

I am upset at the way things ended up this quarter- and it's most likely because of me. When leaving for summer vacation I probably had certain expectations upon returning, though I would, and did say otherwise. Often during my trip across Europe I found creativity and inspiration in how I remembered you; I wrote some of my best poetry and short stories while doing so. The minimal English interaction I had only fueled my ambition to soon talk to you again back in the States.

Composed as I may have been during our first meeting back I thought I handled it rather well. Took us a while though, didn't it? My concern was that somehow you thought I was different after you telling me and getting a text after. Different, how? Good or bad? I thought I was quite the same. Famous for never revealing your emotions as openly as I did I thought I did the right thing in not pushing things or getting into a fierce conversation at the very outset- a mistake I suppose on my part. We both would have been better off knowing.

Time went on and we both were busy, rarely able to find time to meet up, even though I contended I'd meet you anywhere/anytime if only for a little while, I just assumed you were too busy to even think about moving forward. I started to shut down that part of my brain that leads to insecurities and slowly try and purge everything out and move on. That's where I made my biggest mistake. I gave up. And by the next time I saw you I was different and it was obvious things weren't the same; we both knew it. I messed up real bad and I hope you can forgive me. Not even a friendship worth bragging about was recognizable from the lack of communication and I dare say we've even fallen close to becoming "acquaintances" status to my minds utter detest.

I don't want that to be how you remember me, that last lunch, because I truly enjoyed every bit of time spent with you. There were times when I could have pulled my hair out not knowing how you felt but I should have not let it get to me and taken things easy. I don't know what it'll be like the next time we run into each other. I imagine, given the circumstances you'll see the Eric you got to know at the very beginning of it all, and that's exciting. I think back and those were great moments. Admittedly, I am different since we met last, and am different from the time before that- but I think in a good way, it's the only way I could have come to this conclusion. In all accounts I believe I've become more mature, though I'm incapable of ever fully growing up, call it Peter Pan's Syndrome.

I remember walking the beach at sunset, dining at fine establishments, and more. You'll always have a place in my heart regardless. So thank you for those memories in hopes of more opportunities to create new ones.