I can't sleep, and like it was a while ago, you're the cause; a pleasant reminder of what we had, albeit an inconvenient time to be awake at 2 in the morning thinking about it, due to finals week. It's possible that the growing anticipation of meeting up again is cause for remembrance but I feel in order to sleep soundly tonight I must be honest about how I am feeling.

Guilt, I think they call it.

I am upset at the way things ended up this quarter- and it's most likely because of me. When leaving for summer vacation I probably had certain expectations upon returning, though I would, and did say otherwise. Often during my trip across Europe I found creativity and inspiration in how I remembered you; I wrote some of my best poetry and short stories while doing so. The minimal English interaction I had only fueled my ambition to soon talk to you again back in the States.

Composed as I may have been during our first meeting back I thought I handled it rather well. Took us a while though, didn't it? My concern was that somehow you thought I was different after you telling me and getting a text after. Different, how? Good or bad? I thought I was quite the same. Famous for never revealing your emotions as openly as I did I thought I did the right thing in not pushing things or getting into a fierce conversation at the very outset- a mistake I suppose on my part. We both would have been better off knowing.

Time went on and we both were busy, rarely able to find time to meet up, even though I contended I'd meet you anywhere/anytime if only for a little while, I just assumed you were too busy to even think about moving forward. I started to shut down that part of my brain that leads to insecurities and slowly try and purge everything out and move on. That's where I made my biggest mistake. I gave up. And by the next time I saw you I was different and it was obvious things weren't the same; we both knew it. I messed up real bad and I hope you can forgive me. Not even a friendship worth bragging about was recognizable from the lack of communication and I dare say we've even fallen close to becoming "acquaintances" status to my minds utter detest.

I don't want that to be how you remember me, that last lunch, because I truly enjoyed every bit of time spent with you. There were times when I could have pulled my hair out not knowing how you felt but I should have not let it get to me and taken things easy. I don't know what it'll be like the next time we run into each other. I imagine, given the circumstances you'll see the Eric you got to know at the very beginning of it all, and that's exciting. I think back and those were great moments. Admittedly, I am different since we met last, and am different from the time before that- but I think in a good way, it's the only way I could have come to this conclusion. In all accounts I believe I've become more mature, though I'm incapable of ever fully growing up, call it Peter Pan's Syndrome.

I remember walking the beach at sunset, dining at fine establishments, and more. You'll always have a place in my heart regardless. So thank you for those memories in hopes of more opportunities to create new ones.

Editor's Notes:
*The type of males that are referred to in this blog need to realize they put me in a place where I look better because of the stupid stuff that they do. I encourage those people to keep doing what they're doing.
*You certainly get a lot of attention. Comparatively, how bad was I?
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I look back and think about how my relationships I've had could have worked out. There's the- "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sorry I dragged you into this mess of a person" relationship-, the -"if we were a little less busy and a little more committed to it" relationship-, and the -"I'll do anything to make you happy if you just give me the chance.......um, nothing?" relationship-. Generally, I pick the most recent one to do analysis on, and I figure I'm seeing some things from a different perspective than I normally would.

Now, I know I'm no upstanding moral authority on treating women how they should be treated (I do what I can), but hell, I'm not asking for that role because there's too much pressure to perform and nobody is absolutely perfect. However, I do think I have the upper hand on a lot of gentleman who seem to take their ego far too personally to be considered a gentleman anymore; and yes, I have an ego too, but I recognize that it can get out of control, and when it does, it can be considered a bad thing.

Stop grabbing your junk and thinking you're entitled to a relationship because you have a pair. You should know that people can make up their minds as quickly and as easily as you can. Casting aside ex-lovers and then getting buyer's remorse isn't an excuse to act like you are worth the trouble. You don't invest your time and effort into something and expect it to magically erupt into a fountain of gummy bears and sugar coated lollipops of love and affection. And if it does go wrong, you need to understand where and when to draw the line. I did. I drew the line and found out that the other person wasn't willing to come on my side of the chasm. It was fine because we were both safe on our respective sides- I let the situation go and did not assume something that wasn't there because what I wanted, wasn't what the other person wanted, and it still seems to be the case. Maybe I've grown used to this response, but hey, this is what life teaches us: roll with the punches, live with your decisions, and treat others how you want to be treated.

It's hard to know someone right off the bat and nobody should necessarily jump to conclusions based on a first impression. This is college though, everyone's a little thirsty, and wants something. I did, I admit it. I should have gotten to know the person better before I started throwing everything but the kitchen sink at her. My mistake, and I'm taking the chance to reverse that, lucky enough to have been offered that chance.

I try to separate myself from those other heterosexual males that require a life support when it comes to intelligence or the ones who need a guy twice as big to come by and slap whatever stupid sense they have of being better than someone else out of their system. I might be a little skinnier and a little less muscular, but I also do the little things...I listen, I give, I accept, I think, I care, I compromise, and I try. Some people may call these little things; I do, because it's natural for me to do them. I don't need to be shaken or put on "Tool Academy" to become aware of them.

And I know some of you reading this aren't like that- God bless you for being better than what the expectations are for our sexual identity. I hope that one day, if not already, you find true happiness in someone else who compliments you and is worth every breath and heartbeat that you would so easily give just to spend time with them.

In the end, you sometimes aren't as cool as you think you are. Tell me about it. I've been there. Reality checks come in different forms. Get your head right.

Ask yourself these questions:
*What kind of relationship do you deserve? And can he/she give it to you?*
*If yes, what's stopping you? If no, who can?*