Editor's Notes:
Many people have been there for me these past few weeks. To my friends, my co-RA's, and my family I don't know where I'd be without you. I have been challenged and tested this entire quarter and "thanks" doesn't even begin to cover it. It means so much to me, and I hope you can take "I love you" as an adequate response, because I don't say it very often, and I honestly mean it when I say it.

So on to the meat of the blog...
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I don't normally take this approach, but I will this time, with some vigor. Every girl that steps into my life, especially in a romantic way, has an impact on me. I can trace what girls influenced what part of my personality or whatever. But, there sometimes comes a person who has such an impact on me that I am so much different by the end than when I started out liking this person; this is one of those cases.

I thought it was me for the longest time and that there was something I could do to make the person I liked see me in a different light, I mean, up until two days ago; so I did everything under the sun, half I think she doesn't even know about, but she obviously will now. So I direct this next section to her.

Because of you, I have started running again. What's it been? A week now since I've picked running up, all to show that I still had my running legs come November 6th. I will run the race like I planned to, but  not for you, and not for me to impress you like I hoped to, but just for me; to look at myself and be proud of my accomplishment. Today, running on the treadmill, I went and surprised myself with a 21 min 5K. It's funny, my legs aren't just supporting my body anymore, they are supporting my entire spirits. I am so looking forward to this opportunity to relive my Cross Country days and run my absolute hardest. The Chicago Marathon next year maybe?

See, I cut my hair a different way. I was willing to change my clothing. I went out of my way, to the limit, to try and make your day nicer, for better or for worse on how it actually ended up. Now, I really like my haircut. And I still want to get new clothes (I do think I need an upgrade). And I will continue to be that type of person I have always been- to be there for people when they need me. I see what qualities I have to offer. And, all that stuff everybody was saying about me was true. I am pretty great, and I shouldn't feel egotistical about admitting to it. I realize, the girl that wants to be in my life as much as I do her will feel untold happiness. I told you earlier the amount of care that I show is only a fraction to the capacity in which I can. I am so confident in that.

Because of you, I've been lifting and toning my body. P90X has been killing me but when I look in the mirror I am pleased with what I see. Not only did I start working out, I continued working out. The average length for me to keep a workout schedule hovered around 4 days since high school ended, but because of you, I've been working out daily for a month now. And I am committed to it. For me.

But, there comes a time where it can't be about you anymore. I can't start doing all these things because I know what I am isn't what you like.

Was it ever about me with you? And I'm asking honestly, because I had to pull teeth to figure out how you felt. You rarely gave a word or notion to how you felt and when you did you were quick to take it back. I never deserved being tested. I told you how I felt multiple times. What you did was put a string out and pull it away from me as I reached for it. I dedicated all that I had to put you in front of myself, a sacrifice you weren't ready to reciprocate, at least not with me, not in however many weeks I've been at trying.

And that is okay. Now. Yesterday, not so much. Today though: I feel fucking fantastic.

I am a new man. I am stronger than ever. I feel bulletproof. Whatever you throw at me is impenetrable to the layer of individuality I have barricaded myself around. Not to mention the support system I have around me. Look at me who has come to be this person.

I have always said that I am a product of the people I have let into my life, and so I thank you for showing me a part of myself that had yet to be uncovered; but, the mirage is broken. You are just a person, as pretty and as amazing as I still think you are, but to me, I have to come first, until you can prove that you, or anyone reading this, are deserving of the back rubs, late night and early morning messages, ice cream (when you weren't expecting it), honesty (even when you didn't want to hear it), a person who tried desperately to make you laugh (at any point), hidden tokens of my affection, memories you could fill a time capsule with, and most importantly- me in general. I can't make you think otherwise about me, I wish I could, because I tried so damn hard.